Monday, April 21, 2008


I am incredibly (and, it seems, incurably) competitive. And I really don't like that side of me, because it creates internal conflict and I'm not sure what the best response is.

See, for example, I don't like to lose. I mean, I hate losing. In fact, I hate the slow progress toward a loss even more than I hate the loss itself. Over the years I've learned to deal with it in a socially appropriate way. And (somewhat ironically) I really, honestly enjoy celebrating someone else's win. But I still don't feel comfortable navigating the balance between good sportsmanship, friendship, and competition.

And I feel awkward when I'm winning, too. I like doing well... but I don't like rubbing someone else's face in their own defeat.


My husband and I have been going to the gym regularly for the past.... two-ish weeks. In the mornings, we're on the treadmills, and Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays we go back after school and do a circuit on the weight machines.

I can't help it. I peek.

And if he's doing 3.5 mph on a 4.0 incline, I will set my treadmill to 4.0 and 6.5. It's not like I feel I have to, but... I want to see if I can do more. So I push myself. And so far, that's been a good thing. When we started, 3 mph was brisk for me. Now 4 mph is brisk and 3 is what I set it at for a break.

I like doing well. I like pushing myself to do better than I've done before. But I don't want to encourage the smug feeling I get from doing well in comparison to someone else.


It happens here, too. I feel like I should post something worthwhile every day. Part of that is because if I let myself slide on posting, it's incredibly easy for a day to become two days, and then a week goes by and I haven't posted anything, and I feel like I HAVE TO POST but I don't have anything to say right then and then all of a sudden holy HECK, how's it been two months?!

But... well, some of it's due to comparisons, too. Other bloggers post every day. If they can do it, why can't I? And I know that I have things to say that are worthwhile (well, sometimes, anyway!). And then it just gets into the numbers game...

I don't want to be about that. I don't want to be like that, but I don't know how to change that part of me.

IS there a way to change that? If so, how?


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