The Road to Hell

I feel like half of my posts are "hi, I'm back from an unexpected hiatus!" This year has been more challenging than I anticipated, for a number of reasons. (See the 'continue' link if you really want to know about them.)

First of all, we've had extra paperwork. We had to give a pre-test and then fill out a spreadsheet with students' scores. Then we had to go into an online database, find their scores from the previous end-of-year exam, and then predict whether we thought the student would pass or fail the end-of-year exam for this course based on those two scores. It was kind of nerve-wracking because we hadn't given that pre-test before so it's not really correlated well (by which I mean NOT AT ALL) with either of the the post-tests.

So that was incredibly stressful. Then I've also had a bunch of doctor's appointments to go to. Speaking of which, I need to call them to let them know I can't come today. But I haven't had a moment free from class, and they'll be closed while I'm at lunch. I'm fortunate that I've been able to schedule my appointments in the afternoon, so that I don't have to miss class (just planning) but even so it's getting to be a bit of a challenge, missing that much planning time.

Then we've had more department meetings this year than we've ever had before. Each month we have at least four - one with just the teachers in our grade level (so I go to two of those, since I teach both sophomores and seniors), then one with the grade-level teachers and the department head and an assistant principal (so I go to two of those as well), then one with the whole department and our graduation coaches, then one with just the department. Today we've also got an administrative meeting during planning about setting up medical insurance for next calendar year.

As a result, I haven't had NEARLY as much planning time as I thought I would this year. And I had so much that I wanted to do that I haven't been able to, because I've been struggling just to get through what I need to do. But I should be at the end of my doctor appointments, and I shouldn't have to do any more extra testing until the next term starts. Here's hoping!

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Fatigued

I'm still here. Sometimes, though, it seems like I will never EVER be done with yearbook and newspaper. I feel so overwhelmed right now.

Today the eighth graders are visiting from the middle school. So I'll be lying to their little faces all day, trying to make sure I hide how much I hate every single thought about the publications, how awful I think they are in comparison to previous years, how much I wish my name wasn't attached to them this year.

Every day is a grind. I actually have been waking up in a good mood lately. But as thoughts about deadlines and misinformation and changes to our prices and not being allowed to interview wander into my head, each one just crushes me a little tighter until I'm all in a knot.

I feel like I'm swimming against the current, just trying to stay afloat until it's over.

Image thanks to http://blackwatervalleyrunners.club.officelive.com/plod2008.aspx

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Challenges with Technology

And in this case, it's not even really a technological challenge, so this isn't really an accurate image. (But it's certainly more interesting than the problem we had.)

Because we have all of next week off for Thanksgiving break, our administrators scheduled a volleyball tournament this afternoon as a way to encourage students to be even more distracted and fidgety. As a result, our classes were shortened to about 2/3 of their usual time.

I'd reserved one of the laptop carts, but our librarian asked that I let the cart charge in the library for the first 15-20 minutes of the period. Not a big deal, because we start every period with writing time anyway. However, once we finally get the laptops, it takes ten minutes to get them all signed out and set up. And then of course we can't work to the bell; we have to shut down the laptops and sign them back in at the end of the period.

As a result, we really didn't get that much done. Some of the students forgot to check to see if they were correctly logged in to our website so that it would save their work instead of reloading and MRS KEYS MRS KEYS IT'S GONE! I don't know how many times I've told them - write one sentence and click save so that you can preview it and make sure it's doing what you want it to do. Then go back and finish your assignment.

Anyway, because of the shortened classes, today kind of flew by. I'd like to do more with tech in the classroom. The students seem to enjoy using the computers, for all they get incredibly frustrated when their failure to follow directions results in wasted time.

I try not to let them show how much I enjoy seeing them go through what I deal with EVERY DAY. ;p

Image thanks to http://www.maximumpc.com

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Yuck.

One of the things I both love and hate about teaching is how individualized it is. I love being able to tailor the lessons and pacing both to my personal style and interests, and to the interests and abilities of my students. This week we're spending a little more time on sentence structure than I'd originally planned, but getting to watch students notice more about authors' choices in writing has been delightful.

However, it makes substitute planning pretty miserable. I carry so much of what we're doing in my head; the lesson plans I submit to the department head really aren't enough for someone else to teach with (although they do make it easier for an observer to follow along).

It is a HUGE amount of work to get everything set up for a qualified sub, which is what I had to do for yesterday. And honestly? When you feel awful enough to NOT go in, it seems even worse.

So today, even though I don't feel great, I'm here at school. However, I'm thinking that next week I probably will not be going to the ALAN conference. I need the rest - and we also just got another set of medical bills (whee).

Right now I am just so tired. I'm tired of feeling gross. I'm tired of stress from the publications. I'm tired of bills-bills-bills. I'm tired of being ignored and repeating myself and being ignored again. I'm tired of people saying they'll do XYZ and not following through. And of course I'm tired from my meds.

I had about a week of feeling really good. I miss that.

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Too Much

So we're off again, and all I can think of is "what all do I need to get done today and when do I need to do it?"

I need to turn in sign the purchase order for the 2011 supplements. (done!)
I need to find out if they've located the receipt books that I turned in last year. (done! though they're still looking)
I need to find out what to do about tax when I pay for something & get reimbursed. (done! arrange not to pay tax)
I need to review the second drafts of the letters… those are late! ugh! (done!)
I need to remind the Newspaper class that they are not to be listening to personal devices. (done!)
I need to have the Yearbook class type up the senior quotes. (done!)
I need to ask for an updated list of seniors who've had portraits made. (done!)
I need to print out and photocopy my list of sonnets. (done!)
I need to turn in the information about the donation from the used bookstore. (done!)
I need to create a form for the scifi club and send it to the students who expressed interest.
I need to check tardies and contact parents.

Oh yeah - and I need to, yanno, TEACH.

*sigh*

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An Open Letter to Penny Kittle

Dear Penny,

I still hate writing.

But I am also still committed to being the best teacher I possibly can, so once again (even though we're almost a month into the school year, and that's WITH an extra-late start) I am resolving to post daily. It might not be here - probably over at Go Little Novelist - because I still want to make Epic Adventures about teaching.

I tell my students that once they've answered the question for the writing prompt, they can fill the rest of the page with whatever is on their mind. You know, as much as I have heard that getting students into the habit of writing will turn them into writers, I don't think it's really true. Because every time I sit down to write, I hate it. And I'm sure I've been writing for a good while longer than this crop has even been alive.

Blogging is its own beast. I mean, I bet I could write post after post about how much I hate writing. But then, who'd want to read that? And therefore, why post it? I guess it doesn't matter… it's not like I'm killing trees or anything. Except I *am* wearing the battery of my laptop down, and I'll have to charge it sooner. (I think. Who knows, maybe typing doesn't use up battery more than just sitting there does.)

About the only type of writing I don't mind is conversation. Like commenting back and forth on discussion boards … or sometimes in response to a blog post.

I'm starting to wonder if I've written enough. Is it okay to quit yet? We're actually on our way to school (don't worry, it's safe; the Hunk is driving) so I can't pull up an online word-counter. I mean, I've filled up the original screen in TextEdit and now I have a scrollbar on the side.

And I really don't have a lot more to say at the moment. Oooo, McDonald's. I don't know what it is about their food… it's not THAT good, but I like it a lot. At least the breakfast. A well-made Sausage-Egg-and-Cheese McGriddle is just delightful. I love the way the different tastes and textures all meld together. The sausage is just a little bit spicy, and countered by the sweetness of the syrup-nuggets in the little bun they use. The cheese adds a touch of saltiness, and the egg is bouncy and fluffy. It is just SO GOOD. And the Bacon-Egg-and-Cheese Biscuit is good in its own way. It's all savory, but it's different TYPES of savory, don'cha know.

But I have already had breakfast and of course now we're several miles on down the road. Hunk complains about idiot drivers. "Doofus-head!" he calls one. I am so glad i don't have to be the one driving. I like driving when I'm not feeling in a hurry to get somewhere. So, really, driving anywhere kind of sucks (because with gas as expensive as it is, who can afford to just drive around?) because even if I'm going to the store and I don't have to worry about them closing or anything, after I've gotten through checkout, I'm always looking forward to getting home.

By the way, I'm not (entirely) neglecting the Hunk. I am taking breaks for conversation. We're going to Disney World over fall break. WOOOO! Today is Disney Day for Spirit Week (homecoming - each day is themed, and we're encouraged to dress out) so we're bringing the bride-and-groom mouse-ear hats that we got on our honeymoon.

Disney World! Hurray! I can't wait. Even though I'm going to have to wait. (boo!) Also I've asked for professional leave to go to the 2011 NCTE convention as well, so definitely looking forward to that. It hasn't been approved yet, but I'm hopeful. I doubt I'll actually get any financial support, but then, I didn't last year, either. (Looks like I'll be packing sandwiches again!)

The Hunk asked about my writing. "Stream of consciousness?" "Yeah, kinda." I explained that because I want to be a better teacher, I need to become better at the elements of language. And the best way to get better at stuff is to DO it.

Hey, we're here at the school, so it's time to close up and head in. Bye!

Always,

Clicketykeys

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New Place for Updates!

I thought I posted this before, but I can't find it. I want Epic Adventures to focus on teaching, so I'm doing my discipline updates and any posts about my cancer over at Go! Little Novelist, Go!

I'm not entirely out of commission, as you can see, but my meds make me groggy and sleepy. It's always hard to say exactly what I mean, but now it's also hard to even figure out what I mean in the first place!

I do have one bit of teacher-y news, though: this year, our ENTIRE LANGUAGE ARTS DEPARTMENT will have common planning! Dear Readers, I am so unbelievably ecstatic. This upcoming school year may very well be the most adventurey one yet!

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Kicked in the Gut (and stabbed in the back)

So, yeah. Every couple of weeks I get a promo email from DonorsChoose about fundraising opportunities and stuff.

Sometimes there's additional funding for STEM, or if you live in a certain state or county, or if your project is part of a college-readiness program, that kind of thing. Other times DonorsChoose enters into charity contests. You can go vote for your favorite chairty, and if DonorsChoose wins, they get like a hundred grand to put toward projects that need funding.

But the most recent email really, really surprised me - and not in a good way. It said that Donorschoose will get money for projects if people pledge to see Waiting for Superman.

Say it with me now: WTF?

I just deleted the email, but reading this post made me realize I was still pretty upset, and I didn't just want to ignore the issue. So I went to the DonorsChoose contact page and sent them this little gem:

Getting an email from DonorsChoose that promoted Waiting for Superman was like a kick in the gut. My stomach literally clenched when I saw that.

Hoping for the best, I went and watched what I guess was the trailer. Guess what - it showed exactly what I was afraid of! Raising test scores is the best way of measuring student progress. Due process for teachers is a waste of time and money. We should expect teachers to be martyrs who dedicate all their time to teaching, neglecting family, society, and personal health. Hygiene, of course, is still important, because you're supposed to look good on camera.

I was shocked and hurt that DonorsChoose would support something as anti-teacher as this. Also, when I went over to their webpage, I didn't see any mention of DonorsChoose, so that was part of the reason that I didn't sign the pledge. The other is that it would've been a lie.

I'm not going to give a dime to that flick.

Now, I didn't cancel my account (although I might have had I been a donor). But... seriously, people, what were you thinking?! I am SO tired of the same old dead-horse stats being used as trampolines to help people with agendas jump to conclusions they like.

Use just a little common sense. Please. Schools wouldn't have bad teachers if they (1) did a better job observing and supporting new hires and/or (2) went through the appropriate channels to remove teachers who weren't a good fit. The issue isn't bad teachers; it's inefficient leadership.

It is just - it's idiocy. The KIPP-charter/TFA model that is soooo loved by anti-union reformers is only sustainable as long as the economy stays in the toilet. I mean, you don't have to be a math major to figure out that working 40% more hours for 15% more pay is stupid.

Also, you're making the profession into an anti-family career. Now, for me (in theory), that would work, because I have no children of my own and no desire for children of my own. None. Guiding other people's children is great a way to give me similar interaction while at the same time keeping me reminded of WHY I've made the choices I have! However, I object to it on principle, because not everyone is like me.

AURGH!

Daily stuff behind the cut.

Anyway. I did NOT go for my walk this morning. I didn't even get up until almost ten. I woke up at eight, sore and tired, and thought, "Eh. It's already going to be too hot to walk." And I went back to sleep.

Given that I performed off-and-on for more than three hours last night, I'm going to say that's a fair trade-in for my walk this morning. My arms, shoulders, back, tummy, and legs agree: OUCH. It's tolerable now that I've taken some naproxen, but still: OUCH.

I was in bed before midnight and I still feel like I could go and sleep for another hour or two. I might do that, since obviously the surgery isn't this afternoon since I HAVEN'T HEARD A DAMN THING. Grrr.

I'm thinking about cutting my word-count requirement down to 250. 750 takes me forever and really cuts into the day. It makes it harder to take time later on for a "real" post, even if I actually have something to say. Plus, I hate it. I think 250 would be a good bit easier to grind out and that'd make it less torturous. And since one of my goals is to begin seeing writing as something positive, instead of something that is full of suck, I think that makes sense.

Last night's ... I don't know, I don't really want to call it a "show" because it didn't feel like that. No stage, no lighting setup... we were at a country club, people. (It makes sense in context - it was a "wines around the world" club dinner. This month was Greece, so: bellydancers! Also because last month it had just been dinner and wine and the turnout wasn't as good as they'd hoped, so again: bellydancers!)

It was a blast. They had a different type of wine with each course, and let's just say that by the fourth course, it was getting harder to hear the music. Hahaha... It was really pretty, too. We were in this sun-room area that looked out over the course - wide green lawns, with rolling forested hills in the distance. The windows faced east, so we got to see the sunset without a glare.

The best part was at the end, when we got these nice proper ladies to get up and dance too! It was absolutely adorable - they were giggly and uncertain but having sooo much fun. They reminded me SO much of girls in middle school. It was sweet.

Images thanks to http://unlimitedmartialarts.blogspot.com and http://www.despair.com/achievement.html

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Discipline Update & Freewrite: July 22

Starting to feel achy-sore now. I stretch pretty carefully about a minute and a half into my walk, maybe halfway through, after I finish, and then off and on for the next hour or so. Thus, so far, I have not had to worry about cramps. Just being tired and sore.

When I got up I noticed that there was a sticky bun out. So I ate that after I came back from my walk. Wouldn't want it to go to waste. Plus I did four laps this morning, up from three. Granted, I only ran the top loop on two of the laps (numbers two and four, in case you were wondering) but still.

However, I found that I was still hungry. And I could not decide what I wanted to eat. Actually, to be more accurate, I could not decide what I wanted to FIX to eat. I am a very low-maintenance cook. (Some might call it lazy.) So now I am crunching away at some celery while I boil two eggs.

Why is it that things that are good for me (like celery) are not nearly as enjoyable as things that are bad for me (like the molasses cookies I love so much)?

Why do little things take so long? It is going to take me a solid half hour to get to my word count. I have laundry to pop from the washer to the dryer. The lower shelf of the dishwasher has not been emptied, which means putting the dishes away. That always takes longer than I want it to. And it FEELS like it takes even longer than THAT!

Plus I have a few more modifications to make to my costume. The belt is done, as is the shirt. I just need to finish stitching the ties on to the overshirt. Fortunately I have until like 4:30 or so to get that done.

But as of now, I have been up for about three hours and it feels like I have accomplished nothing. Except the walk and the shower. Where did the rest of the time go?

Actually this celery is pretty darn good. It is crunchy without being hard, and the flavor has just the right balance. Sometimes celery is so mild that it actually is boring to eat, and other times the flavor is so strong that it tastes yucky and bitter.

I did my nails last night. Per the suggestion of the Hunk, I chose the baby pink polish that has a strong gold shimmer to it. My outfit is black with gold accents. I also thought about using a deep red for more of a contrast. But I like this one. I did my toes too.

Looks like it will wind up being MORE than half an hour to get to my word count. And I have been really good about not using contractions, even!

Zamzar is being a butt and will not give me my reformatted files. Grrr.

I wonder if I should take some naproxen sodium to tone down all this stiffness. I can not think of any caffeine products in the house, so the tired feeling is probably something I will have to get through on my own.

Last night I spent a good bit of time on tvtropes.org just surfing. I love that site. Although - stink - now that I mentioned that, I really really want to start reading that instead of plugging away at my damn word count.

Sounds like the Hunk is back! He went over to his grandfather's house to borrow the trailer so that we could get rid of some non-garbage trash. And he says he needs my help getting the biggest item into the trailer, so I'm going to sign off now even though I probably haven't met my word count. Let's check!

484 - hahaha! Not even close. Oh well.

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Discipline Update & Freewrite: July 21

Good news and bad news. Good news is, I woke up early enough to get in a decent walk. I even did some jogging again. Even better, I was able to set a pace that did not leave me gasping. I think I'll continue that for the rest of this week and add some distance on Sunday.

Bad news is that waking up that early means I got less than five hours of sleep. That is even worse than the past couple of nights. Nor have I been able to nap, either. Let me tell you, I am NOT a happy cooky about this.

More behind the cut!

I expect that I am sleeping less because I am stressed. (Have you noticed that I am using no contractions? None whatsoever. Yes, I am attempting to buff up my word count. Go me!) Waiting SUCKS. I hate waiting. I still have not had my re-excision. And after I get that done, I will probably have another week or two of waiting before I get to begin my adjuvant therapy.

To be honest, I am kind of pissed off. Is this not a priority for anyone else? Because my diagnosis was BACK IN JUNE. Then I had to wait for a path report before my next doctor visit. Then I had to wait for my MRI. Then I had to wait to talk to the general surgeon. Now I have to wait for the plastic surgeon to talk to the radiologist ALSO, before the surgery. Hello, this is why there are THINGS LIKE PHONES. Aurgh!

And this is just the waiting after the diagnosis. I first noticed this thing back in, like, February or March. I had to FIND a primary care physician (I rarely go to doctors - you know, USUALLY), and since I was a new patient, they had to find a longer time slot because they needed to do a new patient exam. Then I got the referral to the surgeon. THEN he gave me the referral to the plastic surgeon. And at THAT appointment we got the surgery (the first one) scheduled.

I realize that everyone is trying to be careful because it is incredibly important to choose the best treatment so that my long-term results are as positive as they can possibly be, since (hopefully) I have lots and lots of years ahead of me and we do NOT want to see any of this ever again! (Though there is a pretty good chance we will.)

Still. It is QUITE frustrating.

Strawberries were on sale at the grocery store. Yey! Tasty tasty.

My legs are stiff. I need to make sure that I do not sit still for too long. I want to avoid getting all cramped up. I really want to keep going with my walk/run thing. I am going to make it! It will probably only be the 5k in February... I think I can do that, even with the cancer. Then if I train through next year, I think I can do the half-marathon in 2012.

The pace requirement is actually only a sixteen-minute mile, so I think I will need to work on endurance more than time as I continue to train. Maybe starting next week I can add a lap rather than adding more run-time. For some reason I thought it was a good bit faster than that.

566. BLAH!

I really am not sure what else I want to write about. I left a voicemail for our yearbook rep yesterday. I was hoping we could get together to look over the supplement and make plans for next year. I kind of need to give her a heads-up about any treatment and maybe see if she can come by a little extra to work with the students so that I can chill a bit.

On the other hand, it is unlikely that I would know when I will feel ucky. If I even get that way, you know? Maybe my symptoms will be mild.

And in other news, I have been thinking about the placement of my research unit. I had planned on doing it fairly early, after the first writing-focused unit, so that (hopefully) what we did then would still be fresh in their minds. But what I am starting to think about is whether I can give additional practice throughout the year, using the same sort of rubric, and then put the research paper at the beginning of the fourth quarter. This would give me time to get them graded still, without too much end-of-the-year pressure.

Well, not more than usual, anyway.

771! :D

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Discipline Update & Freewrite: July 20

I walked today! Hooray! In fact, I even added a little bit more running. Yesterday I tried out running just the upper part of my loop (I walk to the park, do three of 'my' loops, then walk back) on the last one. It wasn't too bad, but it sure got me out of breath! Today I ran the upper part of the loop all three times!

The Hunk said that he thought I might benefit more from weight training than just the walks. So I think I'll add some free-weight exercises in the late morning or early afternoon. That, plus I've got dance class tonight, plus a private lesson - I think I'm good for today.

This is where my freewrite will go. I'm working on it in notepad.

I need to make sure I call the office of the doctor who'll be performing my surgery. I should probably go for that around 9:30. That way it's not, like, RIGHT when the office opens, but it's nice and early. Maybe 9:15.

And... I'm just sitting here. I should probably also call my insurance... or something... I need to find out just how much of what we're doing is automatically covered and what I'll need to get approved. I probably should have done that, like, a month ago.

Why does exercise have to be so much WORK? :P

And writing, too. That's not much better. I feel like just typing out multiple cycles of "The Song That Does Not End" just to fill up my word count requirement. Which I've imposed upon myself, of course.

Puppy is outside sniffing around. Just moseying through the grass. We have such a lovely Little Old Man!

We watched some Buffy on Netflix last night. The season where she goes to college. I think Joss Whedon had (has?) some leftover issues with the Greek system. Having never rushed a social (I joined a service sorority - we had rush, but it wasn't anything like the socials; pretty much if you were willing to do the service projects, you were in) my own perspective is somewhat limited, but... there is such a thing as REASON. I mean, these are people, not monsters.

Except in Sunnydale, of course. What was I thinking?

I know what I was thinking! Keep writing, darnit.

*sigh*

And I'm only at 254. UGH. This trying to be a better person thing SUCKS. Oo, stink, I also need to call Jaime and remind her about class tonight.

I'm like twenty minutes in and I have just over ten words per minute. Wheeee. Plus I also forgot to un-contract my contractions. That will not be happening again. :)

I have a little mini-backpack that looks like a penguin. I call her Persilla, because it is alliterative with penguin, and also because she is pretty big for a purse. Well, she was. The year I bought her, clutches were in. These days I see more hobos and totes - though that may be because it is summer. You know. Tote season.

Blah blah.

I need to turn on the computer that is connected to the printer so that I can print out TeachJ's Photojournalism syllabus. In re-organizing my desk space I took some books back to a shelf in the green room. While deciding where they would best go I came across my sample copy of the Jostens photo curriculum. So I'm going to look over both the syllabus and the textbook to sort of give me ideas for how I want to structure my new Journalism I course, since it is going to focus on photography.

I am still debating how best to incorporate a standard like GA RL 1 into my English II curriculum. The skill (analyzing use of literary technique) really is not all that challenging. The difficulty is in the number of literary techniques students are expected to be familiar with - and that there's no actual list of techniques. You just kind of have to guess which ones are expected at that grade level. That kind of pisses me off, to be honest.

I guess maybe I could go back through the standards for prevoius grades and look for similar concepts and use those to make a list. Maybe? But I am still not sure that such a list would be comprehensive. I hate "such as" lists. It just makes me feel so uncertain.

There are lots of movies that we need to put away. My feet are up on the arm of the sofa. I am leaning back in my chair.

Last night I compared last year's book to the book that was created the year before I got here - the year of no copy. I think that will be a good example to show to the assistant principal who wants there to be no copy.

674. SO CLOSE.

There is a grocery store near our house that carries these big, soft, sugar-coated molasses cookies. A pack of twelve costs a dollar. I have a particular weakness for those cookies. They are just SO TASTY! And the texture is just right. They are chewy without being mushy. Crumbling is minimal. And the sugar coating gives them just a teeny tiny bit of crunch. Mmmmmm. I can make a pack last a week. Still, they are probably working against me. SIGH.

757 baby! I am GONE! ^.^

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Discipline Update / MRI: July 19

So today when I got up I discovered that the Hunk had not come to bed! AT ALL! But he had folded the clothes AND he was getting breakfast ready for me. Sweet, no?

However, I had gotten up early so's I could go for my walk - well, first of all because I noticed he wasn't in bed and that made me pouty, but I also figured I could do my walk. So the eggs had to wait.

But however #2, I didn't have enough time to do the walk AND wash off AND do my freewrite. So no freewrite today. But I do have a post about my MRI behind the cut!

Don't I look sharp?

When I first got to the imaging center for my MRI, I had a wireless signal that I could use out in the main waiting room, but then they brought me back into another one back by the machine, and there wasn't a signal there so I got stuck with typing just in TextEdit with the idea that I'd copy-paste it into Blogger later. This is mostly a direct transcript, but I've tried to go back and change my verb tenses!

I hadn't had an MRI before. It was the same office I went to for my mammogram. It's really fancy. Comfy couches, TV, free wireless access ... they even had coffee! I didn't even have a chance to finish my cup before they called me back to fill out my paperwork. All I had to do was sign one form, though - maybe since I was only here about two months ago.

Then I went back to another waiting room in the MRI section. This one didn't have the coffee (though I still had my cup!) or wireless. Bummerrrr! I guess that makes sense, though, because now we're back here around the equipment.

A few minutes later another... nurse? technician? I'm not sure. Anyway, someone came to get me. I had to sign two more papers and then get changed. I wish I'd known I'd have to change out of pants with metal in them; I'd've worn my yoga pants. So now I'm in scrub-pants and a robe. They also stuck me with an IV that they capped off. That's new. And they gave me a Diet Coke. Hopefully when I finish it I'll have had enough caffeine that I'll be able to get to bedtime without a nap. I'd like to try to get back on a decent sleep schedule now so that I'm not out of sorts when school starts back up again.

So then I went back to the second waiting room with Mom. I had her take a picture of me in my scrubs. See above!

The MRI itself was boring, boring, boring. I had to lie down on my face and not move a twitch for what felt like for EVER. I had to tuck my hands under my thighs, and my thumbs went to sleep! My techs were sweet - the one who took the IV out was sooo trying to be gentle while I'm cracking jokes. I don't know, something about my skin or my hair - it ALWAYS hurts when I'm taking off a band-aid.

Then they MADE me wait while the radiologist read the films because they thought maybe they'd want to do an ultrasound as well.

Long story short, my lymph nodes don't show any signs of swelling, which is good. They did see a couple of spots over on the left side that are "probably nothing," which is also VERY good - it's just enough to get the insurance to cover a prophylactic mastectomy on the left without putting me in any danger! ^.^ Hopefully the post-mast biopsy will reveal that they were precancerous (or better yet, benign).

Image thanks to my mommy!

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Discipline Update & Freewrite: July 18

Once again: no walk. I'm in this horrid cycle of staying up and waking up late. I did have like two hours of dance yesterday, and then swimming in the lake for another couple of hours after we ate. So I woke up and it was already pretty warm... and then I just felt like I needed another good scrub (the lake was kind of grubby).

And in fairness, I've got a performance this afternoon. I had been thinking about going up to a craft store to get some costumey stuff, but honestly, (1) I don't need to be dropping money on whims, and (2) that would mean that much LESS time to get ready, and that much more stuff to GET ready. So I'm thinking not.

I have been less than pleased with my reading lately. I've got like a bojillion books out from the library, and none of them are really saying READ ME NOW! And the last few I've picked up just haven't kept my attention. I'm not sure why. Everyone in them just seems like idiots. Secrets of Truth and Beauty was pretty good, although I think a couple of plot threads were dropped along the way, and the parents are these empty shells... the other characters were much better and it was an interesting read.

There's some interesting discussion about 17 Things I'm Not Allowed To Do Anymore over on Goodreads. To sum up: think Junie B. Jones on a wild day. The protagonist "gets ideas" of all sorts of interesting things to do, then finds out that she gets in trouble for doing them. The last page shows her going over to her mom and saying "I'm sorry!" but the text says I had an idea to say the opposite of what I mean to trick everyone. I am allowed to say the opposite of what I mean forevermore.

So the opposing POVs seem to be: is this just a fun, silly book? or does it teach kids that lying is okay?

But my mind keeps going in other directions entirely. First of all, one of the marks of maturity is that you don't just blab out what you're thinking all the time. But you don't just jump from blabbing to diplomacy - saying things that, while true, are still kind and hopefully even acceptable. Learning to say something other than what you're actually thinking usually starts with learning to fib.

Second. Based on the entire rest of the book, for this child, saying the opposite of what she means "to trick people" shouldn't come out as "I'm sorry." That is way too boring! It would be MUCH more apropos if she pointed to an attractive and well-dressed young lady and said "She's ugly!"

Her fib is clearly utilitarian and doesn't fit with the rest of the book.

I have pictures from my MRI. I need to ask Mom to email me the one of the machine, but I have one of me wearing what I'll call my "undress blues." I may write that up this evening after the performance.

Bored. SO bored. And I'm not even at five hundred words yet. It's so bad that I was about to use numbers for five hundred, and then I thought, no, see, if I use digits it only counts as one word, but if I write it out it counts as TWO words!

Ugh.

And then tomorrow I meet with the surgeon again. I really hope they've already got me scheduled. This waiting around sucks.

I nuked some broccoli. It was going to be breakfast, but by the time I drag myself through this, it is probably going to be lunch.

I should be avoiding contractions.

I seriously have nothing else that is remotely in my mind. The ceiling fan is putting flickering shadows on the wall. Puppy is in his bed. The Hunk is in our bed. The computer fan is whirring softly. I hear something outside... I am not sure if it is crickets or frogs.

670. I am SO CLOSE! Maybe if I go back and change all my contractions, that will help. There are books on bookshelves. I have a bottle of glue on the desk. My keys are here. My phone is back in the bedroom. I brushed my hair this morning (after I scrubbed again) and lots of it came out. I do not know if I am going to be able to tell if chemo makes me lose my hair, because I shed so much anyway.

WHEW! did it!

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Discipline Update & Freewrite: July 17

Dance practice again today, so no walk. I have, however, been cleaning the house. Unfortunately, I mostly can't tell. It's distressing.

I have a lot of posts seeds sort of in the back of my head - teacher effectiveness, scripting, affirmative action, the relative values of gendered work, how tenure really works, my questions on KIPP for which I can find no answers... yeah.

But I don't really have anything that I want to write about at the moment.

I'm hungry. There was only a tiny bit of cereal left in the box I took out of the cupboard. So ... are you supposed to get a break during freewrites? I dunno. I know I took a bunch on Thursday when the morning was so nuts.

I'd much rather play Spider Solitaire. I put it on the easiest setting and just go click - click - click. It's very soothing.

I'm also a little frustrated. And kind of sulky. The Hunk got home late last night and putzed around. Now, when I putz, I try to take a break every so often and do something useful. I don't know, maybe he did useful things and I just can't tell - kind of like with the cleaning. But I got up this morning and he'd left the computer on, and I can't see that anything else has been put away...

I just get sooo frustrated. I guess part of it is that ... I feel like I wind up with more stuff to keep track of because of what I teach. And so my job requires more work-time so that I can keep up with it. But that also means it requires my work-space to be more orderly, so that I can keep up with it. Which means I have more work at home, too.

And it's not fair, and I'm beyond frustrated, I'm angry. He started clearing off the couch, and I thought, maybe I'm being unfair - things come and go, you know? But it was so he could lie down.

Not even halfway, but I'm stopping now.

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Discipline Update & Freewrite: July 16

Yesterday was so full - really, this whole week has been - that I'm counting last night's dance practice as my exercise for this morning. I'm going to try to have a healthy breakfast - boiled eggs, and ... I dunno, maybe toast or oatmeal.

Someone has a wedding anniversary today! Congratulations, you guys - you need to come visit. It's nice and warm down here ;D

Morning freewrite behind the cut!

I'm tired and discouraged. I'm sitting here at the computer that has MY stuff around it, and I just feel bad - because mostly I use the other computer! In fairness, that's the one that has my music stored on it, and since it's a little nicer, you can actually see farther in WoW. But honestly, that doesn't matter too much - I can listen to Pandora, and lately all I've been doing in WoW is the daily quest. It takes like 15 minutes and there's really no danger, so the nicer graphics really aren't anything more than a perk.

And there's just STUFF all around. A potholder. A nail file. The cards that don't fit in my wallet. Our buttons from Disney. Hand lotion. Elmer's glue. A cup, a water bottle. Scissors. Batteries. My ID from yearbook camp, still on its lanyard. And papers of all sizes.

It's a total energy suck. It makes me tired just looking at it. I feel like a bad housekeeper. And it's not to the point that it's overwhelming, but it's discouraging - I know that I could put things away just in this spot for half an hour and still have clutter lying around. And not that improvements wouldn't be noticeable... but it builds up slowly. You know? And more significantly, it builds up with things that I don't really have a place for, mostly. Like the cards from my wallet - the ones I don't use often, but just from time to time. Gift cards, mostly. Probably no more than five bucks on any one of 'em. But I don't want to just pitch 'em!

So it's like - do I put these "away" somewhere? Where would make sense? Because sure as you're born, if I put them "away" then I won't be able to find them when I do want them.

Ugh.

And also, now it's making it harder for me to write. Because I'm here thinking, "you know, as much as this FEELS like work, it really isn't. You don't need to do this. You're choosing to inflict this misery upon yourself. This isn't accomplishing anything. Your writing counts against your fun-time-quota, not your work-time-quota."

Hey brain! I don't NEED to clean off the damn desks, all right? Just STFU. Because even with two rooms basically un-usable because stuff isn't put away, we're still doing JUST FINE, thankyouverymuch. I'm writing because supposedly it will make me a better teacher, and possibly more self-aware as a person, and hopefully develops my skills in reasoning and word choice and clarity, all of which are useful in many different ways. How is improving myself any LESS VALUABLE than improving the house, in terms of time and effort? (Side note - wow, that became a post seed! yay!)

So this is a professional as well as a personal matter. I am doing this mostly because reputable members of my profession have said that it will make me better at what I do, and I trust them. I may not BELIEVE them, but I have decided to trust them anyway.

Also? These improvements to myself are far more permanent than cleaning up clutter will be, THAT'S for certain!

There. I feel a little better. Feelings aren't always easy to manage - they seem to enjoy being unpredictable! - but sometimes when I shout at them with logic they get back in line.

Another new development yesterday: I maybe have friends.

Okay, now see? I know you're doing that slight double-take - bit of a blink, reduced reading speed, and slightly raised brows. Maybe a frown that says "huh?" But hear me out.

See, I tend to be very particular about how I use words. In both speaking and writing, but especially in writing, I see precision as one of the highest ideals to strive for. I seek to convey exactly what I mean, neither more nor less. Any time that I think I've done that, I feel proud of my work, regardless of any other factors.

It took me a bit of thinking to figure out why I wouldn't categorize any of the people I know RL as friends. (Online is a completely separate issue as relationships are just SO different.) There's a difference between people with whom you are friendly and people who are friends.

Friends are people with whom you spend time outside of the context in which you know them.

That feels like a post seed, too, so I'm not going to explain it more here. Plus? I think I've met my word count for today anyway.

Woot! 836. TTFN, dearlings! ^.^

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Discipline Update & Freewrite: July 15

Well, I wasn't planning to go for a walk this morning, but I woke up a little after six and couldn't get back to sleep. So I got up and got dressed, grabbed my new little Sansa and headed out the door.

Today promises to be quite full, what with the MRI and lunch plans and then another doctor visit, and then I've got dance practice tonight. I've got to get ready, but perhaps if I'm quick I'll have time for a freewrite.

I don't remember what they were, but I'm pretty sure I had stressful dreams again last night. I think maybe it involved being at Disney World and finding out that somehow we had gotten into the park without a valid ticket. And something about all the stuff we have to do today. I think I actually dreamed that the alarm went off and I woke up, because I was lying there and I remember being confused because I thought I had been sitting up, and I didn't remember lying back down.

So I asked the Hunk if he'd shut the alarm off, and he said he hadn't, and I looked at the clock, and it was two hours before the time I'd planned to get up! And I was just wired. Of course, NOW it's two and a half hours later and I'm sleepy again.

It doesn't help that we're in the car on the way to Mom and Dad's. Put me in a car and start driving and even if I'm not already sleepy it just lulls me into a near-coma.

Somebody over on the ecning linked to the oldspiceman video marathon. TOO funny. Especially the Alyssa Milano segment.

Speaking of funny, I wish The Daily Show would hire Sarah Haskins.

I really can't think of much else to write about. I think it's because I'm sleepy, because with all the crazy stuff going on this week, I know that there's some of it that I haven't written about.

I'm learning to use zills now. It's not as hard as I thought it would be. I can't go really fast yet, but then, I've only had them for a couple of days. I practiced last night and I don't have too much trouble walking and playing, or doing circles or figure eights, but adding more layers (doing several complementary movements at once) makes it a LOT harder to stay on the beat.

Also the elastic on the one pair is super-stretched out, so they wouldn't stay on my fingers. So I'm going to try to get some new elastic for them.

Back in the car after switching out. Mom's coming with me to the MRI, and the Hunk is gonna stay with Dad to rearrange furniture. I checked the elastic, and although it's lose, it's still stretchy, so I just stitched it together a little closer to make the loop smaller.

I didn't make my word count, but it's now 9 PM - I didn't have computer access really for the rest of the day, so this is what's getting posted. :P

PS: Maybe I'll have some time for a "real" post tomorrow. I'd like to describe the MRI sometime soon.

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Discipline Update: July 14

Crazy dreams last night. Very stressful. Slow traffic and miscommunication and things I forgot to do... I'm glad I set the alarm for almost an hour later, but that means that I haven't had time to go for a walk OR do any freewriting before heading to school. Plus I'm leaving just a little earlier (like 10 minutes) so that I don't feel as rushed.

I'm so glad I didn't drink all my Diet Coke on Saturday. I've been trying to avoid soda, but sometimes I just need that caffeine boost... and boy it was a good thing it was still in the fridge!

Hope to update with a freewrite later. :)

Freewrite up!

Okay, so this has been a fantastic day. Tomorrow's going to be pretty busy - I have the MRI in the morning, but since my parents are still kind of getting settled, the Hunk and I are going to drive up to their house, and he's going to stay and help Dad get things moved around and kind of off the carpets because they're going to have them steam-cleaned (I think) on Friday, and Mom and I will drive BACK down for my MRI. That's going to take most of the morning. Then we'll head off to a cute little tea shop for lunch with some of the other English teachers. I also got a call from the surgeon; they've set up an appointment for me for tomorrow afternoon with an oncologist! So I'll be able to TALK to a doctor before Monday, and that's super-awesome. Plus since I asked for a slightly-later appointment so that I could go grab lunch, they said that he should have received the MRI films by the time I get there. YAY! Yay and YAAAY!

The students I worked with are going to be taking the English exam tomorrow morning. Keep your fingers crossed! I really hope they do well.

Mom and I went to a one-of-a-kind store that sells gently used merchandise of all kinds. I'm not going to say more than that, because I don't know of any other branches in the country and it kind of marks my location (I dunno, maybe I'm a dork and it's totally obvious where I live, but I do TRY to be discreet). So anyway, I wanted to look at the mp3 players, because I just loved my little Sansa Clip, but I kind of put it through the laundry. And if the soak and spin cycles didn't short it out, I probably fried the circuits in the drier. Anyway, it won't turn on. Very sad.

Well I went over to the audio counter in the electronics section and they had TONS of iPods. Now, I mean, nothing against them? But they're friggin expensive, and I thought the sound quality was just fine on the Sansa. Plus, since it didn't have a video screen, it keeps a charge REALLY well. I looked around, but I didn't see any others, and I kind of got bummed. Our local used bookstore also deals in secondhand electronics, and they won't take off-brand mp3 players, so I figured this place didn't either. But then Mom pointed out that this one guy had been standing in front of one spot and there was a little tupper bowl of other players! I just hadn't been able to see them from where I was standing.

So I was like, oo, yay! And I went over and asked to look at them and I poked through and they were REALLY cheap. Like the two-gig iPods were only about $35, which is fantastic for an iPod, but I knew I could replace my Sansa (also a two-gig) for about $30, so why pay the extra $5? you know?

And I saw two that looked very much like mine! The edges were a little bit rounder, but it had the same buttons and everything. They also had some video ones, but... ih. Not really interested. I like to listen to music while I do other stuff, and I kind of need to be able to see what I'm doing, not watching something else. Anyway.

So I looked on the back, and they were only like $6!! SIX FRIGGIN DOLLARS, YO! I figured there's no way they'd hold more than a gig, especially because there's a port for a microSD card to increase the capacity, and maybe they wouldn't work, but wouldn't the store at least check? You'd think. So I was like, heck yeah, I'll get one. I mean, my two gig one held tons of music, so half that wouldn't be too bad. It's still more than a CD, and it's way easier to put in your pocket. (Although that's not always a good thing - that's how the last one wound up in the wash!)

Now it didn't have the special USB cord to connect to the computer, or any headphones. But guess what? THOSE didn't go through the wash! lol! So I still have them from the last one. Anyway, I got home and plugged it into the computer and waited nervously for the fifteen seconds or so that it took the computer to initialize the device, and I opened it as a window and ....

IT HOLDS EIGHT GIGS PEOPLE.

I have almost my entire library on here and it's only about a third full. I don't even know what I'm going to DO with the rest of it.

What do people DO with that much mp3 player space?!! Why in the world would you need to add the SD card?!

Anyway, I'm going to have to go back. The Hunk heard me squealing and started pouting because he doesn't have one! hahahaha.

So, yeah, today's been pretty awesome.

Oh yeah! And also? Made my word count, EASY. ^.^

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Discipline Update & Freewrite: July 13

I didn't get to do any writing this morning, so I'm copy-pasting in the freewrite I did last night at my parents' house. I did get up and go for a walk this morning. Mom and Dad went with me. It wasn't as long though, because (a) we had to leave earlier because they live farther from my school, and (b) I have blisters :(

Well, although I'm at my parents' house and I won't be able to post this, I can't sleep, so I might as well do my freewrite for today.

I'm rather contorted, but I don't want to move. I'm working on my laptop, but it's not on my lap – the puppy is! So I'm sort of leaning to the side, with the laptop balanced on the arm of the char I'm sitting in. But puppy is in my lap, so I am content.

We danced at a nursing home today. It was fun. I didn't remember the choreographies perfectly – not even close – but I know the music well enough that I was able to fake it quite well. The Hunk said he only knew I was improv-ing it because I had asked another dancer to join us; she said no, because she hadn't learned it; I said neither have I! (She's still fairly new, though – it was only her second show, so I didn't pester her too much.)

My parents were there too. I think this is the first performance they've seen me at. They drove me there because neither of our cars is working. :( Sad face! Agatha is in the shop, though, and will hopefully be all better tomorrow! I'm not sure what we're going to do about the Hunk's car.

228 so far. I may not get to 750 because when my battery runs low I'm gonna hafta stop.

They've finished waxing the floor in my classroom and have moved my furniture back into the room… somewhat close to the way it shows on the diagram I left for them. *sigh* I'm looking forward to getting the chance to straighten it up! One of the things that really, REALLY frustrates me is that for some reason they aren't careful enough with the bookshelves. The shelves slide out and the little metal shelf-holders come out and then EVERY DAMN YEAR somehow I'm short. Oooo, it just makes me so MAD. I need to remember that next year I should just take out all the shelves and stack them and then put the little shelf-holders in a baggie and lock the baggie in a filing cabinet.

This is the first time Puppy has been over to Mom and Dad's new house, and he's still finding his way around. I had to remind him that we put his water dish (and his food dish, but he was panting so I figured he was thirsty) in the kitchen. He just kind of sniffs about, meandering through the house. He doesn't like the vents in the floor, though!

438 – maybe I'll actually make it before the battery starts to go!

I'm starting to get tired. I was BEAT this afternoon – I dozed off in the car after dinner. We went out to a new hibachi restaurant. Filet mignon for under $10? Sheyeah! I'm there. It was pretty good, too. I was debating whether or not I wanted to try the mochi ice cream (I figure it was kind of like mocha, maybe?) but they brought the check so I was like well okay then.

I felt a little… disloyal though. Because it was right close to one of my favorite restaurants locally. It's this Indian place that has a lunch buffet, and the food is just amazing. The saag paneer is … oh, it's wonderful. And the rice? I don't know what they do to their white rice, but it's fantastic. There's just a tiny tiny hint of spice to it, and the rice has the perfect amount of stick to it. I think maybe they add a little bit of ghee or something so it doesn't overstick, because it's faintly shiny. Plus I always have two or three bowls of kheer.

They're little bowls!

637, yay!

You know, it's a bit easier doing this at night, because I can just blather on about my day. Maybe … well, probably not tomorrow, because I'll have to leave for school even earlier because this house is further away… but maybe I should think back on the day before and write about that. Maybe that would give me at least something to use.

703. SO CLOSE!

OTOH, I know that this isn't what I'm going for. The idea of the morning writing is that it's supposed to get my "writing juices" going – get my subconscious working on ideas so that later on I can write something more substantial.

748… and done!

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Discipline Update & Freewrite: July 12

Good morning! Heading to school for some remediation today, tomorrow and Wednesday, so no freewrite early in the morning. But I'll write it up ... might be able to do that on the way in today, as I'll be riding rather than driving. Not sure - we'll see!

I did get up early so that I could get my walk in. Yay! In my NEW SHOES - they are so cute. Grey with purple detailing! I would've loved all-purple, but the store didn't have any running shoes in all-purple, so I got these. They're pretty comfortable, but they are new, so I cut my walk a little short so that hopefully I don't give myself more blisters.

More later!

ETA: But not much. I ended up driving to school and I haven't been home much since - just enough time after work to do a few chores and get changed for a performance at a nursing home this afternoon. Now I'm headed over to my parents' house because on top of everything else, BOTH of our cars aren't working. We got one of them to limp to a garage, but it won't be ready until tomorrow, so I'm gonna stay with the folks tonight so that Mom can give me a ride to work in the morning.

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Discipline Update & Freewrite: July 11

Well, I am NOT going for a walk today. Yesterday put blisters on my feet, so I've gotta get new sneakers. I've been saying that I needed them for... at least a month. But. It is time to do that today. Today, today, TODAY.

And it's going to be tough to go walking tomorrow through Wednesday, too, because I'm supposed to be at school at 8:30 to help out with summer remediation for our re-testers. I really need to get to bed earlier, but it's so hard! I look at the clock, and hey, wow, it's quarter of one.

Plus, mornings are lonely cuz the Hunk sleeps in. Why would I want to ADD to that? :(

UGH, I don't wanna write. I'd rather play spider solitaire. I'd rather surf the net. I'd rather... I dunno. But I am gonna take a break to boil some eggs.

Only two left. Running kind of low. Bread, too. That's one of the down-sides to eating at the house more often - or trying to: the grocery bill goes up!

I'd rather go back to bed.

Writing makes me think of one of the songs from Wicked - "What Is This Feeling?" is the title, I think. And yes, that's what this feeling is: LOATHING! UNADULTERATED LOATHING! Yeech.

I'd rather watch Hulu. Or Netflix. Or... actually I do kinda wanna go back to bed.

Course my eggs is boilin tho.

I'd rather load the dishwasher.

Ugh. 240. I've still got twice as much suffering ahead as what I've endured... TODAY! And tomorrow, guess what: there's MORE!

tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow... it creeps in this wretched pace from day to day, to the last syllable of those 750 words.

At least Macbeth didn't have to WRITE ABOUT IT.

Okay, focus, C. Let's think about what actually does need to get done today. Shoe shopping - woo. Need to email the guidance counselor and ask about getting a course list. We were supposed to have that last month. Need to contact the photographers about some kid's senior portrait. Need to call the list of re-testers I'm supposed to contact.

Agatha needs her catalytic converter replaced, and it sounds like her joints are aching. I'm not sure what to-do the Hunk has for today, but I might send him out to get that taken care of this afternoon and do my calling then.

Eggs are boiled and toast is up. And I've got juice. Whee.

I so want to be done with this. I know there's no way I'm remotely close. *sigh*

423. And I'm sooo tired of it. I don't have anything to say. I don't have anything I want to say. I don't have anything I can think of saying.

Well, that's not entirely true. I already know what my "real post" is going to be about, but I had anted to kind of save it so that I wouldn't be, you know, double-dipping.

So much for that idea.

Mmm, breakfast.

So on Thursday I get my MRI, and then not tomorrow but next Monday I have a follow-up office visit. I'm hoping that later that week, I can get all of my surgery taken care of, except for reconstruction, which will have to come later because I'll probably need radiation as well. I'd like to get my radiation started as soon after surgery as I can. The sooner I get started, the sooner I'm done.

I wonder if you can do chemotherapy along with radiation or if I'll have to wait until I finish radiation before starting chemo.

Suck. I'm only at 591.

Mostly I want to get into my post-op body as soon as I can. I'd like to spend as little time boobless as possible. The whole menopause thing has me a bit nervous, but so far it sounds like it hasn't been too bad on my mom's side of the family.

I still have "Trashin' the Camp" running through my head. I've started to choreograph it. I think it'll be fun - it's playful and kind of sassy.

I'm definitely worried about how this will affect my dancing.

And I've got cramps. They're not as bad as they were yesterday or the day before, but they're still poking at me. Lemme tell you, I am NOT upset about saying goodbye to all that!

I haven't been able to get to the library's website for a few days. I hope I don't have anything either due or waiting for me up at the circ desk.

Hm. I finished breakfast - two boiled eggs, two slices of buttered toast, and a glass of juice. And I'm still pretty hungry.

Oh, thank God. That's 750+!

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