Friday, July 16, 2010

Discipline Update & Freewrite: July 16

Yesterday was so full - really, this whole week has been - that I'm counting last night's dance practice as my exercise for this morning. I'm going to try to have a healthy breakfast - boiled eggs, and ... I dunno, maybe toast or oatmeal.

Someone has a wedding anniversary today! Congratulations, you guys - you need to come visit. It's nice and warm down here ;D

Morning freewrite behind the cut!

I'm tired and discouraged. I'm sitting here at the computer that has MY stuff around it, and I just feel bad - because mostly I use the other computer! In fairness, that's the one that has my music stored on it, and since it's a little nicer, you can actually see farther in WoW. But honestly, that doesn't matter too much - I can listen to Pandora, and lately all I've been doing in WoW is the daily quest. It takes like 15 minutes and there's really no danger, so the nicer graphics really aren't anything more than a perk.

And there's just STUFF all around. A potholder. A nail file. The cards that don't fit in my wallet. Our buttons from Disney. Hand lotion. Elmer's glue. A cup, a water bottle. Scissors. Batteries. My ID from yearbook camp, still on its lanyard. And papers of all sizes.

It's a total energy suck. It makes me tired just looking at it. I feel like a bad housekeeper. And it's not to the point that it's overwhelming, but it's discouraging - I know that I could put things away just in this spot for half an hour and still have clutter lying around. And not that improvements wouldn't be noticeable... but it builds up slowly. You know? And more significantly, it builds up with things that I don't really have a place for, mostly. Like the cards from my wallet - the ones I don't use often, but just from time to time. Gift cards, mostly. Probably no more than five bucks on any one of 'em. But I don't want to just pitch 'em!

So it's like - do I put these "away" somewhere? Where would make sense? Because sure as you're born, if I put them "away" then I won't be able to find them when I do want them.


And also, now it's making it harder for me to write. Because I'm here thinking, "you know, as much as this FEELS like work, it really isn't. You don't need to do this. You're choosing to inflict this misery upon yourself. This isn't accomplishing anything. Your writing counts against your fun-time-quota, not your work-time-quota."

Hey brain! I don't NEED to clean off the damn desks, all right? Just STFU. Because even with two rooms basically un-usable because stuff isn't put away, we're still doing JUST FINE, thankyouverymuch. I'm writing because supposedly it will make me a better teacher, and possibly more self-aware as a person, and hopefully develops my skills in reasoning and word choice and clarity, all of which are useful in many different ways. How is improving myself any LESS VALUABLE than improving the house, in terms of time and effort? (Side note - wow, that became a post seed! yay!)

So this is a professional as well as a personal matter. I am doing this mostly because reputable members of my profession have said that it will make me better at what I do, and I trust them. I may not BELIEVE them, but I have decided to trust them anyway.

Also? These improvements to myself are far more permanent than cleaning up clutter will be, THAT'S for certain!

There. I feel a little better. Feelings aren't always easy to manage - they seem to enjoy being unpredictable! - but sometimes when I shout at them with logic they get back in line.

Another new development yesterday: I maybe have friends.

Okay, now see? I know you're doing that slight double-take - bit of a blink, reduced reading speed, and slightly raised brows. Maybe a frown that says "huh?" But hear me out.

See, I tend to be very particular about how I use words. In both speaking and writing, but especially in writing, I see precision as one of the highest ideals to strive for. I seek to convey exactly what I mean, neither more nor less. Any time that I think I've done that, I feel proud of my work, regardless of any other factors.

It took me a bit of thinking to figure out why I wouldn't categorize any of the people I know RL as friends. (Online is a completely separate issue as relationships are just SO different.) There's a difference between people with whom you are friendly and people who are friends.

Friends are people with whom you spend time outside of the context in which you know them.

That feels like a post seed, too, so I'm not going to explain it more here. Plus? I think I've met my word count for today anyway.

Woot! 836. TTFN, dearlings! ^.^


Mrs. Chili said...

"There's a difference between people with whom you are friendly and people who are friends."

And, I contend, there's a difference between friends and friends-who-are-family.

Clix said...

Actually, Chili, I don't think family fits at all, given that particular definition. With family, there's never a case where you're outside your context. If I'm sitting and talking with another teacher, or we go see a movie, or do some gardening, or whatever, it's possible to move past the context of our shared profession. If it was with, say, my mom, the context of family is always there, no matter what we're doing.

So as I define it (I think), anybody out there is a potential friend except for family. Family keeps its context, even when it's family-who-are-friendly. :)

I hope that makes sense! :D

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